Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
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What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.