there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
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Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what