girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
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I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?