If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
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incredible text to wake up to
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up