For anyone who needs this today
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Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
“you recording!?”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too