Me when my alarm goes off
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It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is