Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
You Might Also Like
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.