[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
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“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.