“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
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He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
time machine? you mean a clock?
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
cry laughing at this shit
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?