Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
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Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks