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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Ooh I do like a good funnel
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder