Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
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accurate
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.