*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
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The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Last-minute gift idea!
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*