I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
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Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.