A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
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me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot