amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
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*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
socratic questions
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]