To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you