Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
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ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep