As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
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If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.