suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
I think we should hear other voices.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
good let them take over I have had enough
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
How about daylight saves us for once
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
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a
n
s
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”