Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
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I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”