[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
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Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.