dads on road-trips be like
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I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code