The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad