My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
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When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.