You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
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*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.