Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
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fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy