My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
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I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Erm I’m gonna say no
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.