Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
mechanics be like
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…