(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
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“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
synchronized noseblowing