[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
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Me when my alarm goes off
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
blocked.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?