Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
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Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
That’s classic.