GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
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Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.