[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
You Might Also Like
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.