A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.