[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
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“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no