My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
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I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it