There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Need WebMD
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers