I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
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Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve