Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
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Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
How your email finds me
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.