Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Your secret is safeish with me
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO