Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
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The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Bro what is this
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.