I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
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Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team