Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
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Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.