My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
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I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.