bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
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Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.