Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

Someone just threatened to call me later

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

stop

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires