Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
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I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.