*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
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My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from