gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
You Might Also Like
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space